Is it spring yet?!

Sorry this is late. I've been trying to decide what to share. The other thing will get shared, just not this month.

This weird weather we've been having has left many of us feeling really frazzled. All the last minute cancellations, risky journeys, and dark cold days are getting lots of us down!

Every winter, I notice my mental health and energy levels take a bit of a dip. The last couple of years have been better as I've been able to recognise it, and say to myself 'it's okay, this doesn't last forever'. I just need to wait it out, and look forward to spring. I've realised that winter is natures time to sleep, and I don't need to bloom all year long. I can rest and restore.

Spring seems to be taking such a long time to arrive this year, though!

My energy feels like spring flowers, coming out of the winter sleep. When I start to see the daffodils, the crocuses, the blossom, I start to feel more energised again. I feel myself shrugging off the winter, emerging out of the soil.

This year, the snow keeps squishing me/them back down!

Ugh too many metaphors in this post. Who the hell do I think I am? 

Basically, winter is tough and I usually feel better in the spring. 

During a spring equinox yoga practice I was doing the other day, I was prompted to think about what element of spring I'd like to manifest in myself. The thing that came to mind was the ability to embrace change. I'm trying really hard to be flexible and embrace change, but I am finding it tough at the moment. There seems to be a lot of change going on around me right now. I can only do what I can. I can focus on the positive changes and try to accept the changes that stress me out. Change is constant and I know I can't avoid it. I need to learn to go with the flow. At least I recognise this now and other people know what's going on too.

Even though the weather is still pants and gloomy, the lighter evenings mean that I can go for a walk after work, which is a really important part of my routine. I will start to pick up again. I know I will. It's just taking a little longer than usual to wake up from winter this year.

They're trying! 

It's Eating Disorders Awareness Week (TW - take care please)

Content/Trigger warning: In the second part of the post (underneath the starred line) there is mention of some harmful eating disorder related behaviours. 

This year, Eating Disorders Awareness Week will take place from 26 February to 4 March. The theme is 'Why Wait'. Some of you may remember my blog for last year's EDAW. The theme was around early intervention and I spoke about my experiences with waiting too long for treatment. There isn't much more I can say on the topic that I haven't already said, so please check out last year's post, read the following bit from the Beat website, and then you can read the thing I've chosen to write about instead. 

"This year, during Eating Disorders Awareness Week, we’ll be asking the question ‘Why Wait?’

On average, 149 weeks pass before those experiencing eating disorder symptoms seek help. That’s almost three years, 37 months or 1,043 days.

We know the sooner someone gets the treatment they need, the more likely they are to make a full and fast recovery. As well as campaigning to improve the services available, we recognise that we must raise awareness of the signs and symptoms of an eating disorder and encourage and empower people to take action now – no matter how long their symptoms have been present.

So, join us this EDAW to ask: ‘Why Wait?’ "

Me again: I really hope professionals take notice of this campaign and the many people crying out for change. It's important that we don't just tell people to seek help early. As I spoke about last year, I tried to get help when I noticed the early warning signs of my eating disorder reemerging after a brief okay spell and I wasn't taken seriously. I wasn't given the help early on, despite asking several times. I hope times have changed/ are changing.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The Actual Blog Post

Recently, I've been thinking about stuff that I have reclaimed since recovering from anorexia nervosa. 

I'm going to write about two things that, when I was poorly, were damaging to my health and wellbeing. They are now both really important for my self-care and they do not harm or deplete me. 

They nourish me.  

When I started thinking about it, I felt really powerful. It reminded me of how different my life is now. 

1) Baths. I remember using baths as a way to distract myself from eating and from feeling hungry.

Now baths are a crucial part of my self-care routine. If I've had a tough day, or had too much sensory input, nothing resets my system better than turning the lights off and lying in the water. I've come to realise recently how important my 'sensory diet' is. Lights that are too bright, noises that are too loud, smells that are too strong, all drain my energy. This type of environment is, unfortunately, unavoidable but I'm learning what comforts me and what strengthens me. Having a bath feels like I'm properly looking after myself. Doing exactly what serves me, filling my cup back up.

2) Walking. When I was unwell, I would walk a lot and feel very guilty if I didn't.

Now walking is something I do for absolutely all the right reasons. It calms me down when I'm feeling anxious, it boosts my mood when I'm feeling down, and it helps me to be more mindful and reminds me to breathe when I'm stuck in my head. I'm very lucky that I live by a few different parks and green spaces, so I only need to venture a couple of minutes out of my house before I've got that breathing space. I also now have a dog, so on those days where my anxiety makes it difficult to leave the house, he reminds me to go out and take a breather. I made a promise to myself that I would only do exercise that I actually enjoy. No more 'shoulds'. This includes walking, yoga, spinning/dancing in the house and the occasional bike ride.


There are also many things that I have rediscovered (rather than reclaimed) since recovering. Reading is one. Oh the joy of having the concentration to read a book! I might revisit that topic another time.


This was such a nice reflection. It feels important to stop and take stock of how far we've come. Even if it's only small steps. We're all growing constantly and can get to where we want to be if we keep making those steps.

Working as a mental

I wasn't sure how to start this, or quite where I'm going with it, but I really want to talk about how I manage at work.

Before 2016, I'd never had a full time/proper job. This was when I started working in a mental health recovery service, where my lived experience of mental ill health helped me to be really good at my job. I enjoyed what I did, grew in confidence, got recognition for my hard work and made some brilliant friends.

I learnt really quickly that the job after that was not for me. I couldn't cope in the environment and my mental health took a turn for the worse. 

It's okay though. Even though I felt shit for a while, I don't regret taking that job. I've got great support around me, wicked coping strategies and a bouncebackability that I didn't have years ago. It gave me some really interesting experiences and, importantly, more awareness of what's good for me and what's not. 

I'm really lucky now that I'm in a job that I love, in a wonderful little team of people who get it. 

Bastards who push the 'work is good for mental health' stuff always leave out the fact that it needs to be the right work. I love my job, it makes me happy and I'm good at it. However, I know that if I'd have been forced into work, into a job I hate and that doesn't match my particular needs, of course my mental health will suffer. 

I've always been honest about my mental health at work. It's the only way I'd have survived. It's way too exhausting to navigate it on my own, at the same time as pretending everything is brilliant everyday. I've been lucky that my employers have, so far, been understanding and supportive. I know that not everyone feels able to be open at work, or experiences acceptance if they do.

One of the most helpful things has been my Wellness Action Plan for work. I always feel a little silly sharing it with work, but it's so helpful to have it written down. Even if I had never shared it, simply writing it out was really helpful because it gave me a chance to figure it out for myself. What helps me and what drains me.

I've worked dead hard and developed really good self awareness over the past few years. Knowing myself and accepting who that is, is vital for me to stay well. 

Accepting that I find a thing difficult. Not apologising for it. Asking for what I need to survive. Being angry if someone thinks I shouldn't have it or doesn't respect my needs. 

I feel like we all need to get a little better at asking for what we need. Demanding that our needs are met. I thought I'd share my 'Work WAP' with you. Maybe me sharing some of what I need, might prompt someone else to ask for what they need.

Remember, it is illegal for an employer to not make reasonable adjustments to support you at work, if you have mental health needs.

ROSIE'S WELLNESS ACTION PLAN for work
(FYI I've cut out some stuff, that I feel aren't really necessary for me to share here)

What helps you to stay mentally healthy at work?
Making sure I take a lunch break, leaving the building (at least leaving desk/work space)
Getting fresh air and/or having a walk or stretch
Working in a quiet space and/or using headphones when doing admin
Having some time to myself/quiet time to breathe
To do lists and plans
Eating regularly and drinking lots of water
Yoga before work, walking the dog after work
Doing hobbies after work
Having a good routine (including getting ready for, and after, work)

Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?
Noise
Generally too much sensory input (e.g. lots of people moving around, smells, lights)
Lack of structure or clarity
Not having enough time between appointments/meetings
Not having a break

How might stress or poor mental health impact on your work?
Difficulties concentrating
Less productive
Feeling anxious or unhappy about being in work

What support could be put in place at work?
Give plenty of notice for events e.g. meetings, training etc. and if there are any changes
Give as much information as possible about them, e.g. location, time, agenda, who else will be there, what I need to bring, what’s expected of me
Schedule meetings to allow time between them to process
Help to plan tasks and structure workload
Regular supervisions 

Are there any early warning signs that we might notice when you’re starting to feel stressed or mentally unwell?
Being more tired than usual
Struggling with verbal communication more than normal
Saying ‘I don’t feel well’, unless I mention other symptoms, like cold/flu
Appearing more stressed or tearful

If we notice early warning signs that you are feeling stressed or unwell, what could managers do?
Check if I need extra support or need a chat (I often just need some space or some peace and quiet for a bit then I can feel more able to talk about it/explain later)
Point me in the direction of a quiet room/space

What steps can you take if you start to feel stressed or anxious at work?
Find a quiet space for 5 minutes or take a walk/go somewhere peaceful if on my lunch break
Talk to colleagues or line manager – tell someone I’m feeling overwhelmed
Being open and honest with everyone about what helps and what hinders at work
Listen to something nice or white noise using headphones

My plan for this blog in 2018!!!

Hello friends!

Just a quick check in to let you know my plan to pick up my blog again and try my best to post more regularly.

I've decided that a monthly post, going out on the last Sunday of the month is doable.

Sorry if I fuck it up. I'm gonna try my best.

So please expect my first proper post of the year this Sunday 26th January.

I haven't thought of a title yet, but the theme will be around how I manage/cope/thrive at work and that.

See you then!

Manspreading

I managed to get a seat on a busy train, this morning, in between two men spreading out. Manspreading, if you like that term. (I do)

I had my rucksack on my lap and my legs pressed tightly together.
I wanted to spread out, to show that they are not entitled to my space.
That maybe I was actually entitled to theirs as well as my own.
I couldn't do it. Even if my feeble lady legs were strong enough to push the manly legs away, I wouldn't have.

Fellow women or AFAB people, can you imagine the feeling of being so entitled to the space around you.
I can't, and the thought makes me feel uneasy.

The men I was sat between probably didn't realise they were doing it. I don't think they were doing it to oppress me, it just shows how we raise our boys and girls.
Girls must make space for boys. Boys get the space because they are big and strong.



I also assume they have to spread to accommodate their massive penises.

 

Early Intervention Saves Lives

As you may know, the theme of this year’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week is ‘Early Intervention’. I am now fully recovered from anorexia nervosa but I had to go through a lot to get to where I am now. I wanted to take some time to share a couple of my experiences of asking for help and the responses I received.

The first time I asked for help was when I was at sixth form. I told my mum that I was struggling and she came with me to my GP. The doctor weighed me and my BMI was 'healthy'. I don't remember much about what was said during that conversation, but I know that I wasn't poorly enough for real help. I remember that he asked me if I thought I was overweight. I knew I wasn't overweight. I knew my BMI was at the lower end of healthy weights, so I had no idea how to answer this. I now know that he wanted to find out about my body image, but I didn't understand and he didn't get a picture of how unhappy I was. I was referred to a counsellor who was based in my GP surgery, had no idea how to support me as someone with eating difficulties and made me feel worse. I only saw her a few times. I just stopped going and had no follow up.

I moved to Leeds when I was 18 to start professional dance training. During my time there I started to get worried about my eating behaviours again. I went to my GP, thinking I could nip it in the bud. The doctor I saw told me that because I was a healthy weight "nobody would take [me] seriously"

Nobody would take me seriously.

I eventually became too unwell to participate in the classes, which then led to me needing to go back home.

I was referred to the eating disorder service and, later, admitted to hospital. By this point I was really poorly and it took a long time to get to anything resembling recovery.

It makes zero sense to turn people away who are asking for help because they aren't ill enough.

The criteria used to determine poorly-ness is so limited as well. Thinnest does not equal sickest, but professionals still use this to determine who deserves treatment. That is how it feels. When I was turned away from appropriate support, it fed into everything my eating disorder was making me believe. I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve help and support.

Maybe if I'd been able to access support and treatment early on, I wouldn't have become as unwell as I did. Maybe it would have been a quicker recovery.

I am grateful for my own experiences. I met my late best friend through eating disorder treatment and many other amazing people through her. Without my experiences, I wouldn't be as passionate about mental health care or be able to support others in the way that I can.

I am lucky that I am able to look back at my experiences and know that maybe 'everything happens for a reason'. However, eating disorders have a huge mortality rate. Not everyone recovers.

'Right now, we are letting people with eating disorders down. They are turned away by the health system, told they aren’t ‘ill’ enough for treatment and are confused about where to turn. This can’t continue.' https://www.b-eat.co.uk/early-intervention

Have you ever heard of anyone finding out that they have cancer at an early stage, but were told to come back once the cancer has spread, treatment becoming much more difficult, and their chances of surviving are much lower?

This is the exact experience of so many people with eating disorders.

The evidence is so clear: early intervention is key to a quicker, sustained and full recovery.

Early intervention saves lives.

Waiting for someone to get 'sick enough' costs lives. People are dying and it's not fair. Individuals living with an eating disorder can recover. These deaths are preventable.

The importance of early intervention, and the devastating impact eating disorders have, needs to be recognised.

Conversations

We are currently approaching Time to Talk Day, which is held on the 2nd February.
The theme this year is 'conversations change lives'
With this in mind, I'd like to share why I believe it is so important to have honest conversations about mental health.


It is something that affects us all. We all have mental health needs. We don't all realise this, though. Some people still really struggle to discuss mental health difficulties openly. Maybe this is out of fear that they'll say the wrong thing and offend someone or maybe there are fears around being judged and appearing vulnerable.

I have learnt, over time, how to have these conversations; being open about my experiences, and encouraging others to be open about theirs. We can't always get it right all the time. We will make mistakes when we have these conversations, especially when we first start. Someone is bound to get upset at some point, but it is important to learn from these moments and keep trying!

Anyway, back to the point!

I started working as a mental health support and recovery worker just under 12 months ago. I was open about my own mental health from the start, which I will never regret. I am lucky that I work in an office with an open and supportive culture around mental health, I understand that not everyone has the same positive experience. Being able to discuss my mental health in the same way as I would discuss my physical health has been really helpful in getting my mental health needs met, and being supported at work. I know that the growth in my ability to talk openly about my mental health has led to a greater awareness of my own, and others, struggles and resilience. I am also really glad that I have seen my colleagues discussing their mental health, and witnessed some beautiful, compassionate conversations.


I love talking about mental health with people who don't normally get a chance to. It's good to be able to remind people that whether you have a diagnosis of a mental health difficulty, or not, you still have to look after your mental and emotional health. We all have our breaking points. Not talking about it is sure to make your breaking point arrive sooner. Tell someone that you're feeling stressed out, anxious, exhausted, sad, overwhelmed... It is not a sign of weakness. There is a certain beautiful kind of strength in recognising when we feel not so good and asking for some help.


That being said, the onus shouldn't be placed solely on the individuals needing support. Everyone has a responsibility to contribute towards a culture of acceptance and compassion around mental illness. This could be making a decision to stop using negative or stigmatising language. This may be deciding to challenge unkind comments when you hear them. It may be as simple as asking a friend or colleague 'how are you?', waiting to hear their answer and being there if they need it.

What I Wish People Understood About My Mental Illness

Nowadays, what I really wish people understood about my mental health problem, is that it could affect anybody.

We all have mental health.

Just as we all have physical health.

Having a mental health difficulty does not define who we are. It does not separate us from the rest of 'normal' society. We certainly shouldn't be made to feel that way.

Just as we can have good physical health and poor physical health at different stages in our lives, we can also have good mental health and poor mental health. Some people simply need more support than others at different times in their lives. People who experience mental health difficulties are not different or strange. We are all human, with human experiences. Mental illness and wellness are simply part of that experience. It is essential for everyone to have their individual needs met in regards to their mental health, whether they have a diagnosis or not.

Having a diagnosis of a mental health condition does not make me different. It simply means that at one point in my life I needed extra support to get by. Thankfully, I got that help and I am now supporting others to get by. I see folks making a distinction between mentally unwell people and 'normal people' all the time and this needs to change.

Mental health needs to be taken seriously, of course it does, but to act like the person is somehow separate from everyone else just makes it that much harder for that individual to ask for help.

We are all different in our own wonderful ways, but we need to remember that we all have mental health. We all go through those times when we feel sad or scared. If we have good mental resilience we can bounce back quickly, but sometimes we can't. We all need to take care of our mental health, whatever that means to us.

I wish people understood that myself and the countless others with a mental health diagnosis are not abnormal. Mental illness can and does impact everybody and this needs to be recognised.

My day of delayed trains, sweaty anxiety, soggy feet and inspiring humans

Today I travelled to London to join in with a Time to Change event.
It has also been one of the worst days anxiety-wise that I've had all year.

I love events with Time to Change & Rethink Mental Illness.
I love hearing other people's stories and feeling encouraged by their responses to mine.
I was so looking forward to this.

I woke up with that familiar, yet somehow always unfamiliar, sense of dread and impending doom that feels like it has access to every cell in my body.

I am grateful for my beloved, who encouraged me to get out of bed, fed the cat, helped me choose what to wear, made breakfast and drove me to the train station.
Some days I am 100% capable of being an independent adult. Today was not one of those days.

I got to my reserved seat to find that someone was sat in it.
There were so many available seats and he was sat in the one that had a reserved notice on that little screen above the seats.
Most days I would be able to easily shrug this off. Accept and let go.
I sat in an available seat, seething that he was so self-entitled.

I managed to settle to some degree but then the train stopped. We were going nowhere. The announcement man didn't know when we'd be moving again.
I was trapped. Every announcement gave no more answers. More people got on the train. More noise, more movement, more anxious energy buzzing around me. The heat started to get to me. I'm sure my seat got smaller, or the space around my seat got smaller. I was trapped. An announcement that another train was going to London Euston from the station we were stuck on, should I get off and try that? Turns out I was stuck in my seat and my brain couldn't possibly comprehend the decision to get on a different train. Jeez, it got so hot. My body was so uncomfortable, dizzy, shakey, sweaty.

When I finally did get to Euston, I had to then walk to the event in the rain.
Silly choice of shoes for a wet day. Soggy feet.
So. Many. People.
So. Much. Noise.

I had a lovely welcome when I did arrive and I felt better...ish.
I'm usually in my element at events like this. Conversations about mental health are my favourite (Well one of the very few topics I can actually hold conversations about)
Today it was a bigger challenge than usual, but I stuck it out. I made it until the end (even if I did leave as quickly as I could)
For that I am proud.
I have some great ideas and things to take forward; things to ponder on.
I met some wonderful people who I hope to work with again.
I got that reminder that talking and hearing other people talk about mental health, ignites something in me that not much else does.

I was foolish to think that the issues with the trains would be sorted nearer the end of the day.
When I got back to the station, I was met with absolute chaos.
So. Many. People.
So. Much. Noise.
Crowds of people looking up at those boards, waiting for the platform of their train to be announced so they could rush forward.
Panic well and truly set in. Heart racing. Struggling to breathe. Feeling sick. Shaking all over.

I couldn't help wonder how everyone else was feeling.
Did their emotions differ to mine?
How much was the stress affecting their physiology?
Was this simply mild annoyance to them?
Was anyone else feeling like the station was caving in on them?

I am glad I went. I'm glad I stayed. I'm glad I had this experience today.
It was a messy, exhausting day but it was a challenge that I made it through.
Life is messy and it's exhausting, but I'm glad to be living it.

Commitment issues

So it has been a while since I've written anything here, I've had a lot of new stuff happening in my life. A lot of very new things.

Today I'm going to talk about commitment. 

In a sort of round about way, of course. 

I've not been as committed as I originally planned to writing this blog. It had to take a back seat from all the other things that were bigger and/or more important. 

I started my first ever grown up full time job in February this year. It has understandably been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I didn't know if I could do it. Turns out that it was a very good decision. I definitely didn't imagine that I'd be saying that 6 months from starting. Maybe, 'it's okay, I'm getting through it, but it's really hard and I'm struggling'. Instead, it's been brilliant. I've learnt so much about myself and other people. I've learnt how absolutely capable I am and my self esteem has grown in a way that I didn't expect. Don't get me wrong, it is hard. I do get really tired and sometimes it is difficult to manage my own mental health but I am learning how to. I am learning to set boundaries and take the time to look after myself, to slow down. I am now approaching my end of probation review, after 6 months in my job and I am so proud of where I am now.

Last night (Saturday 23rd July) was the summer concert of Rainbow Voices, the LGBT choir I'm part of. This is another commitment I have really struggled with, but one I love and is so so important to me and who I am. The fact that I made it to the end of the summer term and performed is a really big deal. I came down with some horrible cold thing when I was in London the other day, and I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to perform. I'd worked so hard to hang in there and stay committed to this thing that I love, so the thought of missing the performance was devastating. I was so close to giving up on Saturday morning, but I decided to try. I drove to the venue and took part in the rehearsal. I tried my best, and I managed to sing as part of this amazing group of people and I performed my wee solo, which I am so proud of. I could have thrown in the towel before I tried, but I didn't. I stuck it out and it paid off and I'm so happy I did it. (I do feel like utter shit and my throat is killing me today but I think it was worth it)

I have been part of a group therapy programme for nearly 18 months now. This has been a really really long process. I was referred to the service early September 2013 and had three assessment interviews, in October, November and December 2013. I then began the 12 week preparation group late May 2014. This happened, but the therapy team and I were unsure about the next step. I ended up doing this preparation group for a second time, then eventually started the main one day group therapy programme 25th February 2015. Now here I am, due to finish group in September this year, over three years after the ball started rolling. This has been one of the biggest commitments of my life and I really do believe that it has saved my life. It has helped me to find parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have achieved a lot in the last couple of years and I know I couldn't have done any of it without the fierce love and gentle compassion that I found in that group therapy room.

I have real trouble committing to stuff, but I am so glad for the things that I have tried and persisted with this year.

Some things that I gained during my recovery from my eating disorder, besides weight

(Potential TW due to talk of ED stuff. It's all pretty positive but be mindful and be safe)





Not too long ago, a few of my friends shared a post on Facebook where someone described the things that she lost because of her eating disorder, besides weight.
It really was very moving and showed how much can be lost when someone is in the grips of an eating disorder. It's not just weight that is lost, there is so much more.

This got me thinking about the things that I gained during recovery, besides weight.

Yes, I did gain weight but I also gained:

•  A sense of freedom that came with allowing myself to eat when I want to and what I want in that moment.
• The colour in my cheeks and the sparkle in my eyes.
• Warmth.
• CAKE.
• The energy to get up in the morning to do my job with the best of my ability and see the difference I can make.
• The comfort of lying down on a normal mattress without my legs going numb and everything aching.
• Love and excitement.
• New relationships (including the love of my life)*
• Silliness, Playtime.
• Cuddles that don't hurt.
• Time to be still and breathe. Time for me.
• Time to figure out who I am and to find out that I am worth caring about.
• Smiles. Laughs. That uncontrolled laughter when something so funny I can barely breathe. 
• The rest of my life that could have so easily been lost. 
• The ability to appreciate the things around me. That ability to simply feel and experience instead of being stuck in constant thoughts of food, exercise, plans, decisions, fear...
• The knowledge that my body and what I put in it does not define who I am. I am a fierce and compassionate person. I am a thousand things and more and I know this now. 

*want some crackers with that cheeeeeese? ;)

Musings on the 9th of January 2016 (okay so I can't think of a title)

I made that thing above on New Year's Eve. 

I don't like the idea of new year's resolutions, so this is definitely not that.

These are not instructions, rules or demands on myself. 

These are compassionate suggestions and reminders about what could nurture my body, mind and soul throughout this year and beyond.

If I don't manage them all straight away, or ever, then that is okay. 

So many of these resolutions we put on ourselves involve such massive changes and are pretty unattainable. So we end up burning out and then beat ourselves up because we failed.

If there is a change you want or need to make in your life, then making a scary goal with strict rules is probably not the way to go about it. It has to come from a place of knowing that it is exactly what you need to flourish and that you deserve it. You don't need to wait until a certain date to make this loving, compassionate change but I also believe that you need to be ready. 

That being said, I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready, but you do need to be willing to take a risk, to know that slip ups are not failures and that things take time.

Try not to be hard on yourself if you don't go to the gym every day, if you give in to that cigarette, if you just really want that cheeseburger, or you have 'broken' whatever rules and restrictions you've put on yourself because the month became January again. 

If you are able to, then please be kind to yourself instead. 

You haven't failed. You are not bad. 

You are trying, you are human and you are still wonderful. (obvs) 

'I thought you liked girls though?....'

So this post has been a long time coming......... out... *see what I did there?*


Hi, I'm Rosie and I'm bisexual.
I'm now with a male partner and guess what...
I'm still bisexual.

I 'officially' came out a few years ago, with mixed statements about my sexuality. It started as the truth, that I like all of the people, but that truth got lost very very quickly. The assumption was that I am a lesbian and I allowed this to continue because I had found new friends, a community, support, membership in an LGBT choir and an identity. In these spaces, I was seen as a lesbian and that was great because I was accepted so I carried on identifying as gay, despite the niggling feeling that I wasn't being completely true.

It is so so frustrating that society (myself included, in spite of my own sexuality) deems people to be either straight or gay, depending on the genitals of the person they are dating or sleeping with at the time.

But then (a year ago yesterday) I went on a date with a male. I ended up falling for him. This put me in a right pickle.
Coming out as 'not gay' was harder (in my experience) than coming out as a lesbian.
Deciding to go with my heart and commit to this man was scary.
I had lost people on my way out of the first closet, was that going to happen all over again?
Was I going to be rejected? Disliked? Hated, even? Will I be branded a liar? Attention seeking? Just experimenting until I settled down with a nice boy?
Was I going to lose those LGBT friends and spaces? My identity?

I'm not queer enough.
I'm not straight enough.

Who the hell am I and where do I fit in?

But then, as all my journeys of discovery start, I read. In my opinion, blogs and internet articles have probably taught me more than the education system ever has.
I discovered a sort of uprising, a lot of people are just as frustrated by monosexism and bi-erasure as I am.
It helped me to realise that my bisexuality is just as legitimate as anyone's homo or heterosexuality.
It's still hard though.

In September, I re-joined that LGBT choir and I was terrified.
I felt like a fraud.
I felt that everyone there would think I was a fraud.

I voiced my fears to a couple of the members before my return and I was met with kindness and acceptance from them, which did ease my worries a little and allowed me the courage to take those steps into the building. I loved being part of the group again. It's such a joy to sing with such wonderful people. Although, my stomach would flip every time I had to say 'my partner' just hoping a pronoun wouldn't slip out and initiate the inevitable rejection.

Last weekend was our Christmas concert and I invited my mum and partner along.
Person: 'Anyone you know coming tonight?'
Me: 'Ummmm yeah.. my mum and my partner' *please don't ask questions, please don't realise I'm not gay and therefore in your eyes, straight and a horrible liar*

The choir is for friends/allies as well, but that isn't who I am. I am a part of this. I just don't feel like a part of this. I fear that others don't see me as a part of it.

I must say that everyone seems to have been lovely and accepting so far. I think most of this comes from my fear and anticipation of internalised prejudices, myths etc.

I get told that labels don't matter. Why should it matter that people assume I'm straight?
Well because that's not who I am. I've gone through a lot to get to this point and to have this part of me erased hurts. I don't think anyone can understand the feeling of some of their identity being erased unless they've felt it themselves.

I feel I must say at this point that I have no clue where I am going with this post.
I feel like I have jumped all over the place, not actually making any points...
Maybe that is how my sexuality feels a lot of the time.
It's not secure, it feels fragile.
Not because I'm confused.
I'm not confused.
It's because I keep seeing and hearing the message that bisexuality doesn't exist.

But we do.
I exist.

I'm in a committed, long-term relationship with a man, but I am still bisexual.

My Recovery from Anorexia Nervosa in 3 easy steps (Possible TW)

[GONNA THROW OUT A TRIGGER WARNING, JUST IN CASES. BE MINDFUL AND BE CAREFUL. LOVE YOU]

Um.... Yeah.....

Soz guys, that title is absolute bollocks.

The truth is that I don't know how it happened. 

I don't know how I went from having a crippling fear of uncontrolled eating to being.. um.. well.. can I say 'normal'?? I still don't know what that means. 

Do we even know what recovery means? 

I do worry about what I'm eating and the way I look occasionally, but those thoughts don't impact on my life much at all.

I think that's kinda normal? 

We see countless people everyday having disordered conversations around food, which are deemed perfectly normal and okay to discuss.

I honestly think that I have a much healthier attitude towards food than the majority now! 

I was admitted to an inpatient eating disorder unit in 2010. After the initial excruciating horror of being presented with a compulsory set of meals and snacks a day had eased off to a mild terror, I sank into that routine. This routine became who I was, all I was, for the next four and a half years. 

I ate because the clock told me to.

I had totally lost the ability to follow my natural instincts to feed myself. I clung on to the routine of that meal plan for dear life. Each relapse* meant that this routine was painful to keep to. When my scheduled fodder became less and less substantial, my thoughts were consumed more and more by food. Clock watching, waiting for the next meal or snack and making the seemingly earth-shattering decision of what to eat next was what my whole day consisted of.

The same day over and over and over and over. 

In the end I managed to convince everyone and myself that I had totally recovered. I faked it so much that I convinced myself that the disordered thoughts weren't there anymore. 

I managed to shift my identity to....... SUPER RECOVERY GIRL

I am now finally calling bullshit on myself.

In reality I was blanketed in habits, routine, safety. I would avoid avoid avoid. Numb. Don't think about it, don't face it, dissociate. Avoid avoid avoid.

I missed out on so much because I was so terrified to leave the safety of my routine.

But then...
I eventually started to allow myself to have different foods. I allowed myself to have a pudding when it wasn't planned. I got sick and tired of watching other people eat. 

I eventually allowed other people to portion my food.
I eventually allowed other people to make me a drink.
Actually, allowing someone else to make me a cup of tea took the longest to conquer. To be honest, it still sets off alarms in the corners of my mind.

It took a lot of time and experimentation. A lot of risks. A lot of learning.
I can't give you a step by step of how to recover because even if I did know how it happened for me, you are not me.
The blessing of our uniqueness is the very thing that bites us on the arse when it comes to mental health treatment.

A few months ago, I finally realised and admitted out loud that things weren't perfect; that it was sometimes still a struggle to fuel my body in the way it needs; that choosing off a menu still made me panic; that supermarkets still filled me with the compulsion to examine everything.

Since I accepted that these feeling were there, that it is really flipping difficult sometimes, it has actually become easier. Those disordered thoughts got quieter the less I fought to hide from them.

I am allowed to feel crap sometimes. It doesn't make me a failure. It doesn't change who I am.

Once I realised that it's okay to feel not okay, I was able to accept those feelings and release them.

I've had the persona of  SUPER RECOVERY GIRL for quite some time now, but I think it was just a costume. It has only been recently that I have been living authentically and giving myself permission to feel. I truly believe that in order to move on, we have to feel and experience the hurt. Our feelings are valid. Even if they might seem irrational to someone else, they are very real to us and that is okay.





'Allow - release - let go' -Adriene Mishler












* not that I was recovered before those so called relapses, I just weighed more, but that is a rant for another time

New adventures

The idea of spreading awareness and knowledge of mental health issues has played a massive part of my identity, especially in the past year or so.

I've recently taken some pretty big steps towards becoming more involved with organisations to take my words off social media, and out into the reeeaall world (a place which genuinely scares me a lot) 

With all this in mind, on Saturday morning, I took part in some volunteer training held by Time to Change and Birmingham Mind. We explored and learned tools to engage with the public, have conversations about mental health, spread awareness and challenge stigma. This training was with the aim of us then feeling able to take it to the *insert public area here*, get people talking and, hopefully, listening and learning. 

Of course, this gave me plenty of opportunity to think about the ways that stigma and discrimination of mental health has impacted on my life. 

Ways that I didn't even truly understand weren't my fault.

Like how I spent years in and out of psychiatric hospitals and lost touch with friends. That loneliness wasn't my fault like I've been believing. It's not because I'm too boring or lazy to get out and make/keep friends. It's because I was poorly. However, because I was experiencing mental distress, not a physical illness or disease, I guess that turns the blame onto me for lost relationships. I feel guilty for missing events, not seeing my family enough, not keeping in touch but is it really my fault? If I'd had a serious 'real' illness then I really don't think that'd enter anyone's mind...

I am not in work at the moment. Actually, I have never had a 'proper job'. I did a bit of casual promotional work for clubs while I was at dance school, but I have no previous employer to put on my CV. If you meet me for the first time and really want to send panic to my core, just use that common nicety: 'So, what do you do?' 

I hate admitting that, in fact, I do nothing. 

(Well unless you count a daily battle to recover from a life-threatening eating disorder and borderline personality disorder but that doesn't count, right?)
I get embarrassed, I get flustered, it stops me from meeting new people because of the fear of that innocent question. 
I assume that people will think I'm lazy. That I'm a scrounger. That I'm unsatisfactory as a human.
I've come up with a few scripts over the years to make myself sound interesting. I've never accepted that anyone could like me for me, not what I 'do'.
The kicker is that I hate lying. I have to tell the truth. I stumble through some vague, awkward explanation of me taking some time off for my health and hope that we can move on quickly.

My physical health is constantly dismissed and ignored. I have been to my GP so many times over the past couple of years about my constant fatigue, stomach problems, dizzy spells, blah blah and I've really had to fight to be heard. I've still got no answers by the way. 
All physical concerns used to be immediately put down to low body weight but I've been a healthy weight for years now. So now physical symptoms are always because of low mood and/or anxiety.
Even if that is the reason, it is still very real pain and shitty physical feelings. I am just supposed to deal with it, instead of being helped to figure it out.

Most of the time, I've felt that I can't tell people when I'm really struggling. I'm scared of being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking. A lovely label put on anyone with a diagnosis of BPD... I am a person, you know. Not just this diagnosis.

Have a look at what I came across today. It was written by someone at 'PsychologyToday.com...renowned psychologists, academics, psychiatrists and authors...'

Wonderful to know that all the professionals responsible for our care take us seriously.... (Wankers)

I know that a lot of this is 'self-stigma'. I know I do make a lot of assumptions of how people see me because of my mental health.
Again, I feel to blame for this. Me and my crazy paranoia.


I HAVEN'T EARNED ANYTHING. I DON'T DESERVE THIS NICE THING.
BLAME.
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT WAY WORSE THAN ME.


BUT YOU LOOK SO NORMAL? I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED YOU HAD MENTAL PROBLEMS.
YOU A GET FREE BED AND FOOD IN HOSPITAL. CUSHTY.
ISN'T HE KIND TO STAY WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE BONKERS?
HAVE YOU GOT A JOB YET?
YOU'VE JUST GOTTA HAVE A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.
IF YOU GOT A JOB, YOU'D PROBABLY FEEL BETTER. YOU JUST NEED TO GET OUT MORE.
YOU NEED TO MAKE MORE EFFORT. 


Just to clarify, 1 in 4 adults will experience some form of mental health problem in their lives.
That is a lot.
They aren't all violent criminals. They aren't all disabled and 'off their rocker' 
They are your colleague, your neighbour, the guy that served you in Tesco*, the person that cuts your hair....
In other words, people.


The more we talk about mental health, the more awareness we can spread, the more myths we can dismantle, the more truths we can tell, the more lives we can save.

If I've totally confused you, or even inspired you, then please have a look at these websites for better written information and to see how stigma and discrimination affects so many lives and causes real damage:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

http://birminghammind.org/

http://www.rethink.org/

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-a-z/s/stigma-discrimination/

*I am in no way affiliated with Tesco 

Hi

Yup. 

I finally did it.

I created a blog.

I've been meaning to do this for a bloody long time now. 

My Facebook statuses are too long and 140 characters on Twitter is just near-impossible most of the time. 

I can't promise correct grammar.

I can, however, promise correct spelling (as long as the spell-check on my laptop works)

I can't promise that I'll make complete sense 100% of the time.

I can promise my honest thoughts, emotions and opinions. There are a lot of 'em. 

If you don't already know me, then good luck in figuring me out.

Namaste

< :3__)~