Sunday, 24 July 2016

Commitment issues

So it has been a while since I've written anything here, I've had a lot of new stuff happening in my life. A lot of very new things.

Today I'm going to talk about commitment. 

In a sort of round about way, of course. 

I've not been as committed as I originally planned to writing this blog. It had to take a back seat from all the other things that were bigger and/or more important. 

I started my first ever grown up full time job in February this year. It has understandably been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I didn't know if I could do it. Turns out that it was a very good decision. I definitely didn't imagine that I'd be saying that 6 months from starting. Maybe, 'it's okay, I'm getting through it, but it's really hard and I'm struggling'. Instead, it's been brilliant. I've learnt so much about myself and other people. I've learnt how absolutely capable I am and my self esteem has grown in a way that I didn't expect. Don't get me wrong, it is hard. I do get really tired and sometimes it is difficult to manage my own mental health but I am learning how to. I am learning to set boundaries and take the time to look after myself, to slow down. I am now approaching my end of probation review, after 6 months in my job and I am so proud of where I am now.

Last night (Saturday 23rd July) was the summer concert of Rainbow Voices, the LGBT choir I'm part of. This is another commitment I have really struggled with, but one I love and is so so important to me and who I am. The fact that I made it to the end of the summer term and performed is a really big deal. I came down with some horrible cold thing when I was in London the other day, and I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to perform. I'd worked so hard to hang in there and stay committed to this thing that I love, so the thought of missing the performance was devastating. I was so close to giving up on Saturday morning, but I decided to try. I drove to the venue and took part in the rehearsal. I tried my best, and I managed to sing as part of this amazing group of people and I performed my wee solo, which I am so proud of. I could have thrown in the towel before I tried, but I didn't. I stuck it out and it paid off and I'm so happy I did it. (I do feel like utter shit and my throat is killing me today but I think it was worth it)

I have been part of a group therapy programme for nearly 18 months now. This has been a really really long process. I was referred to the service early September 2013 and had three assessment interviews, in October, November and December 2013. I then began the 12 week preparation group late May 2014. This happened, but the therapy team and I were unsure about the next step. I ended up doing this preparation group for a second time, then eventually started the main one day group therapy programme 25th February 2015. Now here I am, due to finish group in September this year, over three years after the ball started rolling. This has been one of the biggest commitments of my life and I really do believe that it has saved my life. It has helped me to find parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have achieved a lot in the last couple of years and I know I couldn't have done any of it without the fierce love and gentle compassion that I found in that group therapy room.

I have real trouble committing to stuff, but I am so glad for the things that I have tried and persisted with this year.