I've recently taken some pretty big steps towards becoming more involved with organisations to take my words off social media, and out into the reeeaall world (a place which genuinely scares me a lot)
With all this in mind, on Saturday morning, I took part in some volunteer training held by Time to Change and Birmingham Mind. We explored and learned tools to engage with the public, have conversations about mental health, spread awareness and challenge stigma. This training was with the aim of us then feeling able to take it to the *insert public area here*, get people talking and, hopefully, listening and learning.
Of course, this gave me plenty of opportunity to think about the ways that stigma and discrimination of mental health has impacted on my life.
Ways that I didn't even truly understand weren't my fault.
Like how I spent years in and out of psychiatric hospitals and lost touch with friends. That loneliness wasn't my fault like I've been believing. It's not because I'm too boring or lazy to get out and make/keep friends. It's because I was poorly. However, because I was experiencing mental distress, not a physical illness or disease, I guess that turns the blame onto me for lost relationships. I feel guilty for missing events, not seeing my family enough, not keeping in touch but is it really my fault? If I'd had a serious 'real' illness then I really don't think that'd enter anyone's mind...
I am not in work at the moment. Actually, I have never had a 'proper job'. I did a bit of casual promotional work for clubs while I was at dance school, but I have no previous employer to put on my CV. If you meet me for the first time and really want to send panic to my core, just use that common nicety: 'So, what do you do?'
I hate admitting that, in fact, I do nothing.
(Well unless you count a daily battle to recover from a life-threatening eating disorder and borderline personality disorder but that doesn't count, right?)
I get embarrassed, I get flustered, it stops me from meeting new people because of the fear of that innocent question.
I assume that people will think I'm lazy. That I'm a scrounger. That I'm unsatisfactory as a human.
I've come up with a few scripts over the years to make myself sound interesting. I've never accepted that anyone could like me for me, not what I 'do'.
The kicker is that I hate lying. I have to tell the truth. I stumble through some vague, awkward explanation of me taking some time off for my health and hope that we can move on quickly.
My physical health is constantly dismissed and ignored. I have been to my GP so many times over the past couple of years about my constant fatigue, stomach problems, dizzy spells, blah blah and I've really had to fight to be heard. I've still got no answers by the way.
All physical concerns used to be immediately put down to low body weight but I've been a healthy weight for years now. So now physical symptoms are always because of low mood and/or anxiety.
Even if that is the reason, it is still very real pain and shitty physical feelings. I am just supposed to deal with it, instead of being helped to figure it out.
Most of the time, I've felt that I can't tell people when I'm really struggling. I'm scared of being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking. A lovely label put on anyone with a diagnosis of BPD... I am a person, you know. Not just this diagnosis.
Have a look at what I came across today. It was written by someone at 'PsychologyToday.com...renowned psychologists, academics, psychiatrists and authors...'
I know that a lot of this is 'self-stigma'. I know I do make a lot of assumptions of how people see me because of my mental health.
Again, I feel to blame for this. Me and my crazy paranoia.
I HAVEN'T EARNED ANYTHING. I DON'T DESERVE THIS NICE THING.
BLAME.
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT WAY WORSE THAN ME.
BUT YOU LOOK SO NORMAL? I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED YOU HAD MENTAL PROBLEMS.
YOU A GET FREE BED AND FOOD IN HOSPITAL. CUSHTY.
ISN'T HE KIND TO STAY WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE BONKERS?
HAVE YOU GOT A JOB YET?
YOU'VE JUST GOTTA HAVE A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.
IF YOU GOT A JOB, YOU'D PROBABLY FEEL BETTER. YOU JUST NEED TO GET OUT MORE.
YOU NEED TO MAKE MORE EFFORT.
Just to clarify, 1 in 4 adults will experience some form of mental health problem in their lives.
That is a lot.
They aren't all violent criminals. They aren't all disabled and 'off their rocker'
They are your colleague, your neighbour, the guy that served you in Tesco*, the person that cuts your hair....
In other words, people.
The more we talk about mental health, the more awareness we can spread, the more myths we can dismantle, the more truths we can tell, the more lives we can save.
*I am in no way affiliated with Tesco
I get embarrassed, I get flustered, it stops me from meeting new people because of the fear of that innocent question.
I assume that people will think I'm lazy. That I'm a scrounger. That I'm unsatisfactory as a human.
I've come up with a few scripts over the years to make myself sound interesting. I've never accepted that anyone could like me for me, not what I 'do'.
The kicker is that I hate lying. I have to tell the truth. I stumble through some vague, awkward explanation of me taking some time off for my health and hope that we can move on quickly.
My physical health is constantly dismissed and ignored. I have been to my GP so many times over the past couple of years about my constant fatigue, stomach problems, dizzy spells, blah blah and I've really had to fight to be heard. I've still got no answers by the way.
All physical concerns used to be immediately put down to low body weight but I've been a healthy weight for years now. So now physical symptoms are always because of low mood and/or anxiety.
Even if that is the reason, it is still very real pain and shitty physical feelings. I am just supposed to deal with it, instead of being helped to figure it out.
Most of the time, I've felt that I can't tell people when I'm really struggling. I'm scared of being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking. A lovely label put on anyone with a diagnosis of BPD... I am a person, you know. Not just this diagnosis.
Have a look at what I came across today. It was written by someone at 'PsychologyToday.com...renowned psychologists, academics, psychiatrists and authors...'
 |
Wonderful to know that all the professionals responsible for our care take us seriously.... (Wankers) |
I know that a lot of this is 'self-stigma'. I know I do make a lot of assumptions of how people see me because of my mental health.
Again, I feel to blame for this. Me and my crazy paranoia.
I HAVEN'T EARNED ANYTHING. I DON'T DESERVE THIS NICE THING.
BLAME.
OTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT WAY WORSE THAN ME.
BUT YOU LOOK SO NORMAL? I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED YOU HAD MENTAL PROBLEMS.
YOU A GET FREE BED AND FOOD IN HOSPITAL. CUSHTY.
ISN'T HE KIND TO STAY WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE BONKERS?
HAVE YOU GOT A JOB YET?
YOU'VE JUST GOTTA HAVE A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.
IF YOU GOT A JOB, YOU'D PROBABLY FEEL BETTER. YOU JUST NEED TO GET OUT MORE.
YOU NEED TO MAKE MORE EFFORT.
Just to clarify, 1 in 4 adults will experience some form of mental health problem in their lives.
That is a lot.
They aren't all violent criminals. They aren't all disabled and 'off their rocker'
They are your colleague, your neighbour, the guy that served you in Tesco*, the person that cuts your hair....
In other words, people.
The more we talk about mental health, the more awareness we can spread, the more myths we can dismantle, the more truths we can tell, the more lives we can save.
If I've totally confused you, or even inspired you, then please have a look at these websites for better written information and to see how stigma and discrimination affects so many lives and causes real damage:
*I am in no way affiliated with Tesco
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